Preventing self-sabotage while applying to college

Preventing self-sabotage while applying to college

By BMC BloggerAug 08, 2024

James Gross, a professor of psychology and expert on emotion regulation at Stanford University, talks about what parents can do to help teenagers avoid self-sabotage. We love the idea of weekly check-ins, especially for seniors who are in the thick of juggling academics with applying to college. Even the students who say “they’ve got it” can benefit from some extra parental touch points and cheerleading.

Here are a few highlights:

Teenagers sometimes resist input from mom or dad about how to live their lives. Do teens need parents?
Absolutely. A teenager might say, “I’d like to get great grades this term.” But then their behavior isn’t aligned with that. In fact, you may notice they’re doing the opposite of what they need to do to get great grades. Instead of studying, they’re playing video games and texting. They’re staying up too late instead of getting enough sleep. In other words, teenagers, like the rest of us, sometimes self-sabotage: They say they want one thing, but their behavior points in a completely different direction.

What can parents do to help teenagers avoid self-sabotage?
As parents, we can see what’s going on in their lives from a place of clarity. That perspective can be really helpful. For instance, on their own, without you, your son or daughter may not do so well at finding the balance between having fun with their friends, on the one hand, versus studying and being productive on the other. 

What are some dos and don’ts for parents trying to help their teenagers achieve their goals? 
Don’t get into antagonistic interactions right after school. Instead, pay attention to your own emotions and notice when you’re most likely to be patient and helpful rather than impatient and snappy. 

Don’t try to talk about homework or whatever else you know should get done when your kid is telling you how their day went. You’re missing the opportunity for them to open up and really connect with you, maybe tell you about something that they’re upset about. If they’re trying to do that, and you say, “Tell me about your homework,” they’ll think, “Wow, I feel totally unheard. Dad’s getting on my case without even listening to me.” 

Do make yourself available. For instance, I literally make sure my home office door is open when my kids come home. An open door tells them I can be interrupted. 

What if my kids never bring up their problems?
One practice that my wife and I found to be helpful was to have regularly scheduled check-ins with each of our kids once or twice a week. Basically, we would just have a conversation about whatever was on their minds, whether it was relationships with their siblings or what was going on in school or with their extracurriculars. We’d build an agenda together, like you would for any business meeting. 

Let’s say I saw in the school portal that my kid didn’t do well on a math test. My wife and I might say, “Hey, are there some things on your mind that you want to check in about? From our side, it would be really nice to check in on how things are going in math. Our sense is, that hasn’t been the easiest thing for you these past few weeks.” 

And then, of course, we really listened. The nice thing about scheduled check-ins is that you’re talking about issues before they become a crisis. As a parent, you want to build routines for talking with your kids about what matters to them and to you.

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Understanding the Relationship Between Parent and Teen Mental Health

Understanding the Relationship Between Parent and Teen Mental Health

By BMC BloggerJan 03, 2024

The medical community declared a national emergency in child and adolescent mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, new research is helping to shine a light on another important aspect of the story — the mental health of parents and the influence of their health on teens. We see this influence make a difference during the college admissions process. 

Head over to the Harvard GSE website to watch a short video that discusses strategies to better support the mental well-being of parents and caregivers with a view to preventing anxiety and depression in adolescents.

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College Rejections Aren’t Personal

College Rejections Aren’t Personal

By Brittany MaschalDec 13, 2023

I’m thankful that most of our students are admitted to their top choice schools in the EA, ED 1, or ED 2 rounds. But every year, some students are not so strategic with their choices and, therefore, are not as successful in these rounds. Each year since it was posted, I have revisited a wonderful article on rejection by Adam Grant. It begins by reminding us of what both students and parents can fast-forget when dealing with a college rejection:

When someone rejects you, it helps to remember that there’s another you.

You are not in this alone! A college with a 15% admit rate rejects 85% of applicants, so you’ve got a lot of company. Remember that you have to play to win, and when the game is over, the best thing you can do is move on confidently. 

As someone who has been rejected an appropriate amount, How to Bounce Back From Rejection is something I know well! Yet, it’s not something that can always be taught or that we can prepare students for, especially if a student is used to coming out on top. During a sea change year (i.e., this year and… honestly…the pathreet 3 years!) and when there is a lot of misinformation and misguidance around how hard it is to get into selective schools in the US, results can feel even more confusing. 

What Grants also points out that I hope all students and parents can keep in mind is rejection often happens for a reason that is not personal to the applicant: lack of fit. Fit is not all about where the student thinks they will be the best fit academically, culturally, etc. Fit is determined based on what a college needs (its institutional priorities)—it’s a moving target and not always a two-way street. Students don’t control, and in many cases don’t even know or understand, a college’s institutional priorities. How can they be when colleges are not transparent about it? What constitutes a fit in one applicant pool might not be a fit in another, and this can vary from school to school and year to year. 

Students, please remember: 

We are more than the bullet points on our resumes. We are better than the sentences we string together into a word salad under the magnifying glass of an interview. No one is rejecting us. They are rejecting a sample of our work, sometimes only after seeing it through a foggy lens.

Hang in there. In the end, as hard as it will feel to accept in the moment, things almost always work out just how they should.

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Perfectionism and the College Application Process

Perfectionism and the College Application Process

By BMC BloggerNov 06, 2023

Perfectionism and applying to college don’t mix! 

A quote from Angela Duckworth exemplifies precisely why:

Perfectionistic people work hard but unsustainably so. They often find themselves in the sapping zone of diminishing and inverse returns to their efforts.

We work with many students who have perfectionist tendencies. These students spend extreme amounts of time focusing on aspects of the college process that have little to no ROI. We see this in parents, too! 

There is no such thing as a perfect college application because there is no such thing as a perfect applicant. 

Our work also highlights another one of her sentiments: perfectionists tend to self-sabotage because they retreat when things get tough or they sense imminent “failure” instead of reaching out for help. This one always gets us because we exist to help. 

Perfectionists are world champions at self-sabotage. When things get tough, when it looks like failure is heading their way, the anticipated shame and embarrassment are so fierce that perfectionistic people are reluctant to put forth any further effort that might allow others to discover their shortcomings. So, they procrastinate or simply give up to ward off fears of failure.

Perfectionism doesn’t lead to success. It’s also exhausting. If you struggle with it, seek out help before you get too deep into your college app journey—students and parents! 

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Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

By BMC BloggerSep 19, 2023

A tough one to read as a college counselor. Nothing new here from where we sit, but these are still hard truths and a call to action. It’s on all of us—not just parents!

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It.

A must-read!

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Achievement v. Accomplishment

Achievement v. Accomplishment

By BMC BloggerJun 06, 2023

A great article to read and reread. Let this one sink in…

“Achievement is the completion of the task imposed from outside — the reward often being a path to the next achievement.

Accomplishment is the end point of an engulfing activity we’ve chosen, whose reward is the sudden rush of fulfillment, the sense of happiness that rises uniquely from absorption in a thing outside ourselves.”

The process of applying to college feels overly-achievement oriented, when in fact, it’s applications that highlight both that tend to be the most compelling.

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From a teen’s perspective: dealing with college admission stress

From a teen’s perspective: dealing with college admission stress

By Brittany MaschalFeb 28, 2023

I came across an article by a student at Menlo Atherton (Dylan Lanier) that I wanted to share. You can access it here or read it below. 

I’m 20+ years out from college (and a low-stress application process), but my days are wrapped up in this world. When I think about college admissions today compared to even a few years ago, the #1 thing that stands out is how much more stressful it is for everyone involved. The number of students (and almost always, they are excellent top students) we see presenting mental health red flags is far too high.  

Where you go to college is…simply where you go to college. It’s four years of exploration, developing independence, and figuring it out. I hope both students and parents who are in or approaching this process can keep in mind that it’s a four-year stop on a long journey; it’s not the end game, and it’s not an ultimate goal. 

—

It’s that time of year again: No, not Pisces season. College acceptance — and rejection — season.

At M-A, the energy is electric, and not always in the best way. Seniors are on pins-and-needles waiting for letters to come back from the colleges they applied to a few months back. Juniors, on the other hand, are already stressing about their own applications to come next year.

While I recognize the importance of higher education, I think that too many of us compromise our mental health by spending countless hours worrying about college. It’s important to enforce practices in your daily life that help you decompress. Not only will you be a happier and healthier person, but you will perform better in all areas of your life. You can’t crush that AP Lit test if you’re only thinking about college! So, here are some of the ways I find most effective to de-stress:

1. Time Away: Find a relaxing activity you truly enjoy, be it hiking, painting, or reading on the couch. Set a designated time for yourself each day or week to spend solely on that recreation. I recommend choosing a hobby that requires a lot of focus in order to prevent your mind from wandering back to college.

2. Community: Your family and friends are great resources for support and distraction. Go out to dinner, watch a movie, or just talk about everything under the sun other than college. Connecting with others will not only lift your spirits but place your attention on them instead of your own worries.

3. New Goals: The reason college admissions are so stressful is that we view them as the ultimate goal. Therefore, pick new, smaller goals that can help you satiate that need for accomplishment, such as learning an instrument or holding a bake sale for a local charity.

4. Mindfulness: Look, when I first tried meditation, I was just as skeptical about its benefits. But I can confidently say that it has considerably lowered my stress level and allowed me to reflect on my life without the typical emotional responses. I recommend downloading an app like Calm or finding guided mindfulness meditations on YouTube to help you commit to and get the most out of the practice.

Acknowledging your college stress and recognizing the negativity it brings into your life is the most important step. Understand how it’s impacting your daily life and respond accordingly with specific, customized strategies to limit those effects.

However you choose to de-stress, be sure to fully commit to the process. Take it from a fellow student: Nothing is more important than your well-being, and taking concrete steps to improve it will yield exponential benefits. Best of luck in your collegiate endeavors and your journey to de-stress!

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How can I support you? A teen mental health primer

How can I support you? A teen mental health primer

By Brittany MaschalFeb 14, 2023

It’s essential for parents and other family members to support teens by learning about common mental health conditions, understanding the signs that their teen might be experiencing a mental health issue, and familiarizing themselves with ways to begin a conversation with a teen who might be struggling. Making Caring Common assembled a primer to help parents and other family members understand possible indicators and begin these important conversations. You can find it here.

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