Talking To Teens About College

Talking To Teens About College

The college process often amplifies anxiety among teens and their parents, yet stress is inevitable. The goal is to manage it healthily, according to Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, and host of the Ask Lisa podcast.

Lisa joined Jeff Selingo on a special 30-minute edition of “Next Office Hour” last week. Let’s all give the episode a listen. Some top takeaways:

Accept discomfort. Parents should acknowledge emotional stress as normal. “We cannot prevent emotional pain in our teenagers. Rather, we should help them manage discomfort when it comes,” Damour said. The focus should be on helping teens cope constructively, like allowing space for healthy distractions or emotions rather than harmful habits

Encourage healthy coping. Crying, spending time with friends, physical activity, and mindful rest are all beneficial ways teens can process stress. Parents should be alert only when teens use costly coping mechanisms like substance use or self-criticism.

Reframe high school. Teens should focus on cultivating genuine interests and strengths rather than solely trying to impress admissions officers. Enjoying downtime without guilt is crucial for mental health.

Recognize parental roles. I loved Lisa’s analogy of the Pit Crew vs. the Tow Truck. Parents often feel pulled between supporting their kids (pit crew) and pushing them (tow truck). Constant towing suggests a teen may not be ready for college, highlighting the value of considering gap years or alternative pathways.

Dealing with rejection. College admissions isn’t always meritocratic. When teens face rejection, validate their feelings but emphasize they’ll thrive by focusing on what they can control.

The big picture? Parents and teens often overestimate how much college prestige matters.

If you don’t follow Jeff Selingo, you should. See past issues and subscribe to his newsletter. You can also find him on LinkedIn, InstagramFacebookTwitter, and Threads if social is your thing!

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Preventing self-sabotage while applying to college

Preventing self-sabotage while applying to college

James Gross, a professor of psychology and expert on emotion regulation at Stanford University, talks about what parents can do to help teenagers avoid self-sabotage. We love the idea of weekly check-ins, especially for seniors who are in the thick of juggling academics with applying to college. Even the students who say “they’ve got it” can benefit from some extra parental touch points and cheerleading.

Here are a few highlights:

Teenagers sometimes resist input from mom or dad about how to live their lives. Do teens need parents?
Absolutely. A teenager might say, “I’d like to get great grades this term.” But then their behavior isn’t aligned with that. In fact, you may notice they’re doing the opposite of what they need to do to get great grades. Instead of studying, they’re playing video games and texting. They’re staying up too late instead of getting enough sleep. In other words, teenagers, like the rest of us, sometimes self-sabotage: They say they want one thing, but their behavior points in a completely different direction.

What can parents do to help teenagers avoid self-sabotage?
As parents, we can see what’s going on in their lives from a place of clarity. That perspective can be really helpful. For instance, on their own, without you, your son or daughter may not do so well at finding the balance between having fun with their friends, on the one hand, versus studying and being productive on the other. 

What are some dos and don’ts for parents trying to help their teenagers achieve their goals? 
Don’t get into antagonistic interactions right after school. Instead, pay attention to your own emotions and notice when you’re most likely to be patient and helpful rather than impatient and snappy. 

Don’t try to talk about homework or whatever else you know should get done when your kid is telling you how their day went. You’re missing the opportunity for them to open up and really connect with you, maybe tell you about something that they’re upset about. If they’re trying to do that, and you say, “Tell me about your homework,” they’ll think, “Wow, I feel totally unheard. Dad’s getting on my case without even listening to me.” 

Do make yourself available. For instance, I literally make sure my home office door is open when my kids come home. An open door tells them I can be interrupted. 

What if my kids never bring up their problems?
One practice that my wife and I found to be helpful was to have regularly scheduled check-ins with each of our kids once or twice a week. Basically, we would just have a conversation about whatever was on their minds, whether it was relationships with their siblings or what was going on in school or with their extracurriculars. We’d build an agenda together, like you would for any business meeting. 

Let’s say I saw in the school portal that my kid didn’t do well on a math test. My wife and I might say, “Hey, are there some things on your mind that you want to check in about? From our side, it would be really nice to check in on how things are going in math. Our sense is, that hasn’t been the easiest thing for you these past few weeks.” 

And then, of course, we really listened. The nice thing about scheduled check-ins is that you’re talking about issues before they become a crisis. As a parent, you want to build routines for talking with your kids about what matters to them and to you.

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Hillel’s Virtual College Prep Series

Hillel’s Virtual College Prep Series

We’d like to share a series of three virtual events from Hillel International, the world’s largest Jewish campus organization.

Session 1 (Recorded):

College Selection: Choosing the Best Fit for You. February 29, 2024 | 12 p.m. ET | 9 a.m. PT – Choosing the right school can be a little (or a lot) overwhelming — especially with so many factors to consider. And while there’s not yet a magic wand or AI to generate the perfect college match, Hillel’s tools and resources can get you pretty close. The first session of Hillel’s Virtual College Prep Series will focus on the college selection process, and provide you with the tools you need to find the best fit, featuring top college counselors, current Jewish college student leaders, and experts from Hillel as well as partners in youth and teen programming.

Session 2:

Careful Considerations: Antisemitism on Campus. April 2, 2024 | 12 p.m. ET | 9 a.m. PT – Since the attack on Israel on October 7, antisemitism has risen to historically high levels in the U.S. and around the world — and college campuses have not been immune from this surge in hate. With antisemitism on the minds of so many in the Jewish community, we want to ensure that Jewish parents and families have the information they need about what antisemitism and Jewish life on campus are truly like right now.

Session 3:

Looking Forward: Hillel’s Exciting Opportunities for Students. May 23, 2024 |  12 p.m. ET | 9 a.m. PT – This session will explore all of the exciting opportunities Hillel has for incoming first-year Jewish college students, including scholarships, graduation gifts, early move-in, travel opportunities, and leadership experiences — for all kinds of Jewish students!

You can register in advance for the webinars here. If you can’t make a session, they are recorded, and you can watch at your convenience.

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Understanding the Relationship Between Parent and Teen Mental Health

Understanding the Relationship Between Parent and Teen Mental Health

The medical community declared a national emergency in child and adolescent mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic. Now, new research is helping to shine a light on another important aspect of the story — the mental health of parents and the influence of their health on teens. We see this influence make a difference during the college admissions process. 

Head over to the Harvard GSE website to watch a short video that discusses strategies to better support the mental well-being of parents and caregivers with a view to preventing anxiety and depression in adolescents.

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Jeff Selingo – Upcoming College Admissions Book

Jeff Selingo – Upcoming College Admissions Book

I’m excited for Jeff Selingo’s upcoming book and its emphasis on considering the vastness of higher education beyond a handful of selective schools—much needed. Read more about it below.

Lots of people have been asking me what I’ve found so far in the research and how they might help, so I wanted to give a quick update before the calendar turns to 2024.

First, as I’ve talked to parents and college counselors in recent months, I’ve been thinking about what this book needs to do. In much the same way as Atomic Habits and The Power of Habit tried to shift our mindset about developing better habits, my belief is that this book must help us reexamine what makes a “good” college. The goal is not for students and parents to settle for a second choice, but to consider the vastness of higher education beyond a handful of selective schools.

As I map out the book, the first half will be focused on explaining to readers why they need to reevaluate their college strategy in the first place. If you’ve been through the process recently, you’re probably thinking duh, of course they do. But everyone approaches this process as newbies, thinking their experience will be different. And as my editor reminds me, we live in an aspirational society: we want to aim for what we’re told is the top.

In the first half, I plan to illustrate how the admissions landscape has shifted in just the last few years by following the college-going experiences of recent graduating classes at three or four high schools that I’m in the process of identifying now (if you’re at a high school and want to be considered, reach out). For that section, I’m often reminded of this scene from Jeff Makris, director of college counseling at Stuyvesant High School, for a piece I wrote in New York magazine last year:

While we spoke, Makris pulled up the admissions results for his students going back to 2016. He rattled off a bunch of college names. About the same number of his students get accepted at the usual suspects in the Ivy League now as six years ago, though many more apply too. What might surprise students and parents from a few years ago, however, is the next set of colleges Makris mentioned: Northeastern, Case Western, Boston University, and Binghamton University. In 2016, 298 students applied to Northeastern, and 91 were admitted; last year, applications to the Boston school jumped to 422, but only 49 were admitted. Last year, 129 Stuy students applied to Case Western, about the same number as in 2017, but admits were almost cut in half to 36. In 2016, the acceptance rate for Stuy’s students who applied to Boston University was 43 percent; last year, it was 14 percent. Normally, Makris said, about 50 to 75 graduates enroll at Binghamton University, one of the state’s top public universities but a safety school among many Stuy students. This fall, 124 students went there.”

So how can you help? He says:

I’m always on the lookout for families who’ve been through the process at least once and have a kid in college (or recently out) and might have a story to tell about how they were on the path for Plan A and it didn’t work out—they didn’t get in, they couldn’t afford it, or for some other reason it wasn’t the right fit—and they turned to Plan B, which in the end turned out better.

If you can help in any way as a potential source, please complete this short form. I won’t be able to respond to everyone, but I will reach out if you fit what I’m looking for to illustrate the research.

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College Rejections Aren’t Personal

College Rejections Aren’t Personal

I’m thankful that most of our students are admitted to their top choice schools in the EA, ED 1, or ED 2 rounds. But every year, some students are not so strategic with their choices and, therefore, are not as successful in these rounds. Each year since it was posted, I have revisited a wonderful article on rejection by Adam Grant. It begins by reminding us of what both students and parents can fast-forget when dealing with a college rejection:

When someone rejects you, it helps to remember that there’s another you.

You are not in this alone! A college with a 15% admit rate rejects 85% of applicants, so you’ve got a lot of company. Remember that you have to play to win, and when the game is over, the best thing you can do is move on confidently. 

As someone who has been rejected an appropriate amount, How to Bounce Back From Rejection is something I know well! Yet, it’s not something that can always be taught or that we can prepare students for, especially if a student is used to coming out on top. During a sea change year (i.e., this year and… honestly…the pathreet 3 years!) and when there is a lot of misinformation and misguidance around how hard it is to get into selective schools in the US, results can feel even more confusing. 

What Grants also points out that I hope all students and parents can keep in mind is rejection often happens for a reason that is not personal to the applicant: lack of fit. Fit is not all about where the student thinks they will be the best fit academically, culturally, etc. Fit is determined based on what a college needs (its institutional priorities)—it’s a moving target and not always a two-way street. Students don’t control, and in many cases don’t even know or understand, a college’s institutional priorities. How can they be when colleges are not transparent about it? What constitutes a fit in one applicant pool might not be a fit in another, and this can vary from school to school and year to year. 

Students, please remember: 

We are more than the bullet points on our resumes. We are better than the sentences we string together into a word salad under the magnifying glass of an interview. No one is rejecting us. They are rejecting a sample of our work, sometimes only after seeing it through a foggy lens.

Hang in there. In the end, as hard as it will feel to accept in the moment, things almost always work out just how they should.

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January Executive Function Intensive in NYC + 1:1 Offerings

For college students and soon-to-be college students based in NYC!

This intensive, two-day program will be in person in a small-group format and cover general planning, time management, study skills, reducing procrastination, accomplishing long-term assignments, routine building, self-care, and resilience. Dr. Josephson also offers individualized 1:1 support both in person and virtually. 

Please see the flyer below and learn more about Dr. Josephson’s practice here

Perfectionism and the College Application Process

Perfectionism and the College Application Process

Perfectionism and applying to college don’t mix! 

A quote from Angela Duckworth exemplifies precisely why:

Perfectionistic people work hard but unsustainably so. They often find themselves in the sapping zone of diminishing and inverse returns to their efforts.

We work with many students who have perfectionist tendencies. These students spend extreme amounts of time focusing on aspects of the college process that have little to no ROI. We see this in parents, too! 

There is no such thing as a perfect college application because there is no such thing as a perfect applicant. 

Our work also highlights another one of her sentiments: perfectionists tend to self-sabotage because they retreat when things get tough or they sense imminent “failure” instead of reaching out for help. This one always gets us because we exist to help. 

Perfectionists are world champions at self-sabotage. When things get tough, when it looks like failure is heading their way, the anticipated shame and embarrassment are so fierce that perfectionistic people are reluctant to put forth any further effort that might allow others to discover their shortcomings. So, they procrastinate or simply give up to ward off fears of failure.

Perfectionism doesn’t lead to success. It’s also exhausting. If you struggle with it, seek out help before you get too deep into your college app journey—students and parents! 

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Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

A tough one to read as a college counselor. Nothing new here from where we sit, but these are still hard truths and a call to action. It’s on all of us—not just parents!

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It.

A must-read!

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Achievement v. Accomplishment

Achievement v. Accomplishment

A great article to read and reread. Let this one sink in…

“Achievement is the completion of the task imposed from outside — the reward often being a path to the next achievement.

Accomplishment is the end point of an engulfing activity we’ve chosen, whose reward is the sudden rush of fulfillment, the sense of happiness that rises uniquely from absorption in a thing outside ourselves.”

The process of applying to college feels overly-achievement oriented, when in fact, it’s applications that highlight both that tend to be the most compelling.

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