Dear Therapist: I’m Worried the College-Admissions Process Is Rigged Against My Son

Repost! It is a bit long, but Lori Gottlieb’s message is so important for families who are in or approaching the college search and application process. I encourage both parents and students to take 10 minutes to read the entire piece, but if you don’t have time for the full read, here are the main takeaways: Parents, how you handle the application process sets the tone for how your child will respond to it. You have the potential to turn a situation that your child would otherwise handle just fine into one that’s not fine. The messages that you send have the potential to either prepare them for adulthood or hold them back much more than not being at an Ivy League school would.
 
Here is the full article:
 
Dear Therapist,  
 
My son is in the middle of the college application process. He has very good grades and very good SAT and ACT scores; he is an Eagle Scout and a captain of the cross-country team. He is also white, male, and upper-middle-class—and that is the problem. According to all of the statistics and reports, he should be accepted at Ivy League schools, but he has not been. He will eventually get into a “good” school, but it is my guess (based on what we are seeing with his peer group) that he will be overqualified for the school he ends up at. He is very frustrated and very upset. How do you explain to a bright, eager boy that the system is rigged against him? For example, his twin brother, who has similar grades and an almost identical resume, is going to the U.S. Naval Academy, and his application process, though difficult, was smooth and straightforward — Lisa, Mendham, NJ
 

Dear Lisa,

The college-admissions process has become so brutally intense in recent years that it can make anyone lose perspective, and I think that’s what’s happened here. Of course, you’re not the only parent who sees her hardworking and accomplished child do everything “right,” imagines him or her thriving at a particular school, and is frustrated when the child does not gain admission. But if you don’t step back and look at the bigger picture, you’ll be depriving your son of an education that will be far more valuable to him in the long run. So let’s back up.

From the moment kids are born, they take their cues from the adults around them about how to respond to experiences in the world. For instance, when a toddler stumbles in the sandbox, the first thing she does is look at her parent for a signal. If the parent calmly says, “Whoops, you fell down,” and then smiles reassuringly, the child will likely get the message that the fall was no big deal and get right back up. But if the adult looks alarmed, yells, “Oh, no! Are you okay?,” and rushes over to check for injuries, the child may, in turn, become alarmed: Wait, am I okay? I thought I was okay, but maybe I’m not! Later, if the child doesn’t get the lead in the school play—despite how talented this child may be—she’ll also take her cue about what this means from the adults around her. If her parents say, “That’s so unfair! Jane only got the part because the drama teacher is friends with her mom,” or “Jane’s parents are on the board,” the girl might think, Yeah, this is so unfair. Jane’s not nearly as talented as I am. The world is rigged. Why even try?
 
If, on the other hand, the parents say, “We know you really wanted the lead and we hear how disappointed you are. You worked so hard preparing for the audition. Maybe you’ll get the lead the next time around, but meanwhile, the part you did get will be fun, too,” their daughter may still be disappointed, but she’ll be learning about resilience. She’ll take in the message that sometimes we don’t get what we want, even when we’re qualified to have it. She’ll learn that sometimes we might be really good at something, but someone else is even better. She’ll learn that there’s not just one thing that can be enjoyable or fulfilling, but many things—like acting in a play she loves, even if she’s not the lead this time around. She’ll learn that the world is not an all-or-nothing place, where you either succeed or fail. She’ll learn that if she really wants something badly enough, she can try again another time and figure out what would increase her chances. She’ll learn that even if Jane got the role mostly because of her talent but partly because the teacher (consciously or not) favored her, there will come a time when she, too, will get something—an award, a job—not only because of her talent, but also because of, say, the boss’s strong relationship with the colleague who referred her, or the fact that they both grew up in the same town, and an equally qualified candidate will be rejected. 
 
The kid who learns these lessons early on will probably still be upset if, despite her stellar application, she doesn’t get admitted to her top-choice school. But she won’t walk through the world feeling as though there’s a conspiracy going on, nor will she walk onto campus the first day of freshman year believing that she won’t be challenged and that her peers are either similarly overqualified or simply beneath her. And if she does find that she’s not getting what she wants at her very good but not Ivy League school, she will know she can talk to an adviser to see what opportunities might be available that she’s not yet aware of, or even apply to transfer elsewhere. Either way, she won’t spend her senior year of high school anticipating how unfulfilling her college experience will be, thereby creating a very unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
So how do you explain to your son that the system is rigged against him? You say, “Son, the world is an unfair place and the system is rigged against you.” And then you watch him grow into an angry, unfulfilled adult with a chip on his shoulder who will probably have grossly misguided ideas about women and people of color and his own value and worth and abilities. But if you’d like a better future for him, let me suggest the following. Start by getting more accurate information, such as the fact that it’s extremely challenging to get into an elite college, and that the vast majority of applicants to these colleges have very high test scores, along with a stunning array of extracurricular activities and prestigious awards or honors. Dig deeper than anecdotal information and you’ll discover that there isn’t a reliable statistic or report out there that says that an applicant with very good grades and very good SAT and ACT scores who is also an Eagle Scout and a captain of the cross-country team “should” be admitted to a particular Ivy League school—regardless of gender, race, or ethnicity. Ask professionals in the admissions field, such as an experienced college-guidance counselor, whether a student with your son’s resume who happens to be a woman of color might still be rejected from the school of her choice. You may be surprised by the answer.
 
Having this information might help you separate the reality from the reaction you’re having, and this, in turn, will help you talk to your son in a more productive way about what is, for most families applying to top-tier schools, a grueling and anxiety-provoking process. Remember, he’s taking his cues from you, so if you can view this from a more balanced perspective, so will he. Instead of coming from a place of outrage on his behalf, approach him from a place of curiosity and ask, “How are you doing with this college-application process?” Then listen to what his frustration is about. Is he getting the message (from you? his school? his friends?) that the name of his college defines his worth or is a statement about his intelligence? Does he believe that going to an Ivy League college leads to a better job or a better life or some kind of happiness he won’t find at another very good school? 
 
Help to disabuse him of these faulty notions and explain to him that college is about the right fit, not the most prestigious name, and that no matter where he goes—including an Ivy League school—there will be students just like him, as well as students who are both more and less accomplished on paper, because colleges try to put together a group of outstanding people who will mesh well. Tell him that you have every confidence that he will choose, and be accepted into, a school where he meshes well and maybe even makes the friends he’ll have for the rest of his life.
 
In other words, how you handle the application process sets the tone for how your son will respond to it. It’s true that sometimes there isn’t enough to go around—there are only so many leads in the school production, so many spots at a given college, and so many openings for a job someone really wants. At the same time, parents have the potential to turn a situation that their kids would otherwise handle just fine into one that’s miserable. At that point, it’s the parent creating the child’s misery, not the situation. The messages parents send their kids have the potential to either prepare them for adulthood or hold them back much more than not being at an Ivy League school would ever do. You have a great opportunity right now to teach your son well.

Reality Therapy. The Importance of Honesty in College Admissions

I’ve wanted to share an opinion piece by Jim Jump posted this past November, in which he discusses balancing loyalty (being a cheerleader) and truth (being an honest source of information) in college advising. A few excerpts are below, but I suggest reading the full article here. His “talk” is one I am familiar with:

Recently I met with the top student in my junior class. He has Ivy ambitions, and in a perfect world there would be no question that he would be admitted, but the college admission world, especially at the top of the food chain, is far from perfect. He is unhooked, so I felt obligated to give him the talk I give every one of my students applying to the Ivies and comparably selective colleges and universities.

In a hyperselective environment, where fewer than one in 10 applicants are admitted, no one’s credentials assure admission. Superb grades and scores are, to borrow phrasing from logic, necessary but not sufficient. Colleges and universities use the admission process to help achieve institutional goals and priorities, goals and priorities that may not be publicly stated. As a result an offer of admission is partly merit, partly meeting institutional needs and partly luck.

That message is not easy to hear for a student who’s done everything right and excelled in every environment they have been in.

Seeing highly qualified students get denied from schools that a few years ago they would have likely been admitted is tough. That said, when it comes time for these “talks,” I also like to remind students (and their parents) that where you go to college is not the single defining factor of your life; what is far more important is what you do while you are there (wherever “there” is), the relationships you build, and the person you become. In the end, those things lead to a successful, happy life, not the name of the school on your diploma.

 

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How to ease student stress

Students are stressed. I read about it all the time in the news, and hear about it all the time from my colleagues and parents of my students. It stinks, but it makes sense. Students today are high achievers, motivated to excel in school and sports, rise to leadership roles in clubs, and serve their communities. So many of them I know really do it all, and in some cases, do it all really well. Unfortunately, this comes at a cost. They sleep little, stress lots, and don’t always put their wellbeing before their achievements. What’s worse, is they often aren’t doing it all for a good reason. Instead of a true intrinsic motivation to explore what interests them, exercise and engage in healthy athletic competition, and do good for the sake of doing good, a lot of students are driven by a desire to reach a specific goal, namely, admission to an uber selective college or university.

One way to ease student stress (at least in many of the students I work with) is to get students to realize that attending an Ivy League school, even a top 20 or 30 school, is not the key to success in life. Leading a successful—and let’s not forget happy life—has nothing to do with where you go to college. The Ivy League and other uber selective institutions have a lot to offer, but they are not the only schools in the game. They own the rights to a powerful brand, but that doesn’t mean there’s some magic taught on these campuses instilling success and happiness in every single one of the students who attend—there is not! My advice to students and parents is to take a deep breath (literally, research says so) and look beyond the Ivies and other uber selective institutions. Create a list with some breadth and depth. Do some exploring and see all the wonderful options that are out there—you may be very pleasantly surprised.

Speaking of deep breaths, another way to ease student stress is to practice some of the techniques espoused by positive psychology. A recent NY Times article highlighted a few stress relieving techniques via Dr. Seligman at UPenn that I want to share. (I know…I just said look beyond the Ivy League and the article I linked above cites research from Stanford…but I will still cite some of the outstanding research that comes out of Penn and other top research institutions that fall into the uber selective category on this blog).

To cultivate the components of well-being, which include engagement, good relationships, accomplishment, and purpose, Dr. Seligman suggests four exercises based on research at the Penn Positive Psychology Center, which he directs, and at other universities. These exercises are not specifically geared toward high school students, but I see no reason why they would not apply. Enjoy!

Identify Signature Strengths

Write down a story about a time when you were at your best. It doesn’t need to be a life-changing event but should have a clear beginning, middle and end. Reread it every day for a week, and each time ask yourself: “What personal strengths did I display when I was at my best?” Did you show a lot of creativity? Good judgment? Were you kind to other people? Loyal? Brave? Passionate? Forgiving? Honest?

Writing down your answers “puts you in touch with what you’re good at,” Dr. Seligman explained. The next step is to contemplate how to use these strengths to your advantage, intentionally organizing and structuring your life around them.

In a study by Dr. Seligman and colleagues published in American Psychologist, participants looked for an opportunity to deploy one of their signature strengths “in a new and different way” every day for one week.

“A week later, a month later, six months later, people had on average lower rates of depression and higher life satisfaction,” Dr. Seligman said. “Possible mechanisms could be more positive emotions. People like you more, relationships go better, life goes better.”

Find the Good

Set aside 10 minutes before you go to bed each night to write down three things that went really well that day. Next to each event answer the question, “Why did this good thing happen?”

Instead of focusing on life’s lows, which can increase the likelihood of depression, the exercise “turns your attention to the good things in life, so it changes what you attend to,” Dr. Seligman said. “Consciousness is like your tongue: It swirls around in the mouth looking for a cavity, and when it finds it, you focus on it. Imagine if your tongue went looking for a beautiful, healthy tooth.” Polish it.

Make a Gratitude Visit

Think of someone who has been especially kind to you but you have not properly thanked. Write a letter describing what he or she did and how it affected your life, and how you often remember the effort. Then arrange a meeting and read the letter aloud, in person.

“It’s common that when people do the gratitude visit both people weep out of joy,” Dr. Seligman said. Why is the experience so powerful? “It puts you in better touch with other people, with your place in the world.”

Respond Constructively

This exercise was inspired by the work of Shelly Gable, a social psychologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who has extensively studied marriages and other close relationships. The next time someone you care about shares good news, give what Dr. Gable calls an “active constructive response.”

That is, instead of saying something passive like, “Oh, that’s nice” or being dismissive, express genuine excitement. Prolong the discussion by, say, encouraging them to tell others or suggest a celebratory activity.

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High School Counselor Training

When my high school counselor informed me that I might not be cut out for a four-year college or university, I was not only crushed but also confused. I grew up in a household with two college educated parents, and in what I look back now on as a very “college-going” culture, so why didn’t my counselor at school believe in me the same way my parents did?

The truth is, it was probably because of my not-so-stellar (but not horrible, geez!) grades, and my less than perfect disciplinary record (I was a free spirit, what can I say…). But what I know now, and what I sensed then, was imperfections and all, there was a four-year college for me!

Interestingly, I was accepted to a few different four-year schools, all of which were considered selective institutions. I ended up attending the University of Vermont, graduated in three years, and then headed to the University of Pennsylvania for graduate study. I earned my master’s degree and then my doctoral degree in higher education, and focused my dissertation on exploring how high schools create college-going cultures. During the same time, I spent approximately seven years working in admissions and student services before transitioning to my current role as an independent educational consultant. Today, I help students—those with good grades, bad grades, arrests and angelic records—determine their academic interests and goals, and the postsecondary path that is the best fit.

What I also know now is that many American high school guidance counselors are not provided in-depth training on the college search and application process in graduate school. A 2012 Harvard report stated, “Although graduate course work varies by state…specific course work in higher education or college counseling is rarely required if even offered.” My guess is this was most likely the case with my high school counselor.

Once in the role, training does not become more readily available if offered at all. High school counselors are often left to their own devices, with few opportunities for professional development, to master what is a very broad base of knowledge. A qualitative study by Savitz-Romer in 2012, found that school-based in-service focuses almost exclusively on instructional topics, providing little relevance to school counselors, and as a result, most school counselors rely on outside professional development opportunities—or worse—they do not attend at all. When you begin to factor in the nuances of standardized testing, financial aid, school choice, application plans, and how Ivy League and other selective school’s admissions really work, it is clear it’s a whole other area of expertise that needs to be developed to guide students through what has become an increasingly confusing and competitive process.

I see IEC’s and high school guidance counselors as partners in the process, and feel strongly we are all on the same team and have the same goals in mind: to best serve our students and support them on their pathway to postsecondary education, whether its technical school, community college, the Ivy League or somewhere in between. Today, I am motivated to help school counselors better understand the college admissions landscape, and best support their students. I’ve developed training modules on selective college admissions, the Common Application, testing timelines, resume/activity sheet creation, and a general crash course for new counselors on all things applying to college. I’m confident IEC’s can benefit from learning about what goes on inside high school counseling offices, and by increasing knowledge sharing, we all seek to improve our ability to serve students.

I’d love to connect with high school counselors who want to learn more about college counseling, and in return, are eager to share their insights with IEC’s.

 

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Class of 2021 Waitlist Admit Rates & Notification Dates

More on the waitlist, this time admit rates and notification dates, from the best college admissions data source out there, College Kickstart. The landscape doesn’t look that much different than last year. How the waitlist plays out always depends a lot on yield, so how many students a school said yes to actually put down a deposit and say they are going to show up in the fall. Some schools do a much better job of this than others. These schools have a high yield, and will not go very deep if onto the waitlist at all. The schools that have not done a good job at predicting yield will head to the waitlist to fill seats as needed. Unfortunately, students can hang out on the waitlist well into the summer, which drags out a process that for most should be finished on or around May 1. For all the waitlisted students out there, we feel your pain, but there are some things you can do to keep yourself busy. Check out our post on what to do if you are waitlisted.

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Ivy League Admit Rates Are Insane. Look Elsewhere

Early applications increase across Ivy League

Class of 2021 Shattering Ivy League admissions records….

Headlines like these are frequent as of late following what have been increasingly low admit rates the past few years.

This year was tough, and sadly, I do not see the admit rates for the top 10-15, even 20 or so colleges and universities in the US getting any higher. The Common App has made it too easy to apply to 20 schools (I love you Common App, but…it’s true), and too many students make misinformed decisions when developing their application strategy (this is where I come in and try to help). There are lots of other problems with the system, too; it is definitely broken.

I do not have a catch-all solution. Less legacy and other preferential admissions policies, and more transparency by colleges and universities could be a start, but this seems unlikely short-term. One thing I do feel strongly about that I think students and parents have control over is their laser focus on the Ivy League and other uber selective schools (schools with admit rates under 20%). It is time to start looking at the many other colleges and universities that offer similar experiences. It is time to get over whatever it is that makes these select few schools so appealing (brand, prestige, etc.) and see them for what they really are: schools that are like many others.

This process ends up being demoralizing for many students—but it doesn’t have to be.

Students and families can start by being realistic about this process early on. Look at the admit rates and internalize what these numbers mean. Be honest about your odds of admission to these schools if they are on your initial list. Even with perfect grades and a tight narrative, any school with an admit rate under 20% is very hard to get into. Any school with an admit rate under 10% is nearly impossible to get into.

Think deeply about why you want to go to college and what you want from your college experience. Is what you want only available at the top 10, 20, or even 50 schools in the country according to US News? I highly doubt it. If you are stuck on brand, image, and prestige, call yourself out and move on! It matters far more what you do in college and the type of person you become than where you go.

 

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Let’s give non-Ivy Leaguers a chance to rule the world

Just read a great piece by Dustin McKissen, the founder and CEO of McKissen + Company, a strategy, marketing, and public relations firm based in St. Charles, Missouri.

Most of us know you don’t need to go to the right schools and come from the right family to change the world for the better. But, apparently, you do need to go to the right school if you want to change the world from Washington D.C.

By the time Donald Trump’s term ends in 2020, the country will have been led by an Ivy League graduate from 1988—2020. That’s 32 years of unbroken White House rule by graduates of schools that educate a statistically insignificant number of all college students. (It’s also 32 years of rising income inequality.)

A First Family preference for the Ivy League is nothing new: during 20 of those 32 years (the administrations of George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama) the presidency was held by someone whose father also graduated from an Ivy League school.

Favorite takeaway: “Knowing your way to the Ivy League is not synonymous with knowing what you’re doing.”

Give it a read here!

There Has to a Better and More Sane Way

bryan B image
“You can get a top-notch education anywhere. It simply depends on how much effort you are willing to put in.”

A somewhat true statement, albeit sometimes hard to implement. However, this I have come to learn is very true: “Basically, if you work hard and people like being around you, you can go far in almost any field, regardless of where your diploma is from.”

I have seen Behar’s example play out many times:

Right now, I work with a super bright man who went to a small bible college in Oklahoma. And we have ended up on the same show at the same time at the same position. And I don’t think he’s perseverating about the fact that he didn’t go to Brown. In fact, since I split a salary with my writing partner, he probably makes twice what I make. So I’m sure he’s not perseverating about it. Or feeling the need to ever say “perseverating.”

Can everyone please read this article and then chill out? Like he said, he’s no psychologist or educational consultant, but there is a lot of truth in his in words that we all need to hear.